babigurlxxx

It's been awhile but I think it's time. I'm really depressed at the moment. A combination of many things. The main reason at the moment is that I've run out of my meds. I honestly can't afford to buy them. I want to tell mum but she's going to ask why I don't have the money. I throw my money away. I'm so bad at making friends because i'm shy and the only way I've been able to make friends is to buy their friendship. I don't know why I do, I guess apart of depression for me is having no respect for myself. I get fucked over but it's all my fault. Other things that are getting me down are study and work. I have so many assignments due next week. I've had a bad cold for a few weeks which means I haven't been able to finish things off. There's so much to do and so little time. I guess that's life though. At least next year my study will be over and I'll have a new job. It will be a fresh start. I want to be in control of my life. I want people to like me for who I am. I try so hard but maybe that's where I go wrong. I just want someone I can talk to.

I feel I little low at the moment. I'm hoping that expressing my feelings will make me feel better. At least I haven't over eaten today so I won't feel the need to purge. I hate this dizzy feeling I have. I've had it all week. I feel the need to eat when this happens. I don't know what to do about it. If I eat something, I know I'll purge. I promised my self that I wasn't going to do it today. Yesterday was a horror. I had two hotdogs which I purged, then I had four cookies. They didn't even taste good but I ate them anyway. For dinner I had way too much stir-fry, to follow that I had a bowl of ice cream. I'm still feel heaps quilty about it. I feel so fat. I really want to know how much I weigh, but I'm terrified of what number I'm going to see when I jump on the scales. Last time I weighed myself I was 48kg. A bit lower would be nice. This binge and purge cycle that I have screws my weight up. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I feel satisfied with the way I look whilst on other days I feel ashamed. I know ballet has screwed me up. I tried so hard to look the way they wanted me to. This is the main reason why I became bulimic. I didn't realise how quickly it took hold of me. It was supposed to be a temporary solution, now I'm stuck with it. Hopefully not for ever. I want to know ways I can lose weight without having to put my body through so much stress. I want to be skinny, but healthy.

Han xxx